How He Loves

“I feel as though

I am writhing

in a pit of despair.

I look around-

everything is an illusion.

The walls

are closing in around me,

yet they never

wholly swallow me.

They stay close enough

to torture me,

but far enough

to keep me alive.

I’m alive,

but I’m not living.

I’m barely breathing,

slipping in

and out

of consciousness.

Most of the time

I can’t tell

the difference

between ‘real life’

and the twisted delusions

from my subconscious.

I seem to be living

in hell.”

I initially wrote this on February 20th, of 2017- so a little over a year ago.

“I am writhing in a pit of despair,” I said.

I was exhausted. I was depressed. I was done. When I wrote this poem, I was throwing my hands in the air in exasperation... giving up. Yet, here I am. Today, I am victorious. I am here not because I didn’t give up, but I am standing here right now because God didn’t give up on me. When I was a slumped over mess, my world was out of control and shattering around me, I was preparing to end my life, right then I reached out to God one more time and said, “If you can hear me, help me.”

Crazy enough, He answered my desperation, my final plea for help. He didn’t just answer my call, though. He didn’t just send some angel down to my pit of despair, my pit of darkness- though He could have. He didn’t send someone to come get me, though He could have. You know what He did? Do you know how much He loves us? How much He loves you and how much He loves me? Do you know what He did? HE, Jesus Himself, crawled into the pit of despair with me. He met me in my darkness and my anxiety and depression and suicidal thoughts and self harm- my mess, He tilted my face towards Him and He smiled. He smiled at me and said, “My child, you were never alone. You need only trust Me.” And at that moment I understood how I had gotten to that point of despair. My eyes were opened and I recognized what I had done. I had buried myself so far beneath something that happened to me, something I had no control over- I let that event consume me and become my identity. Trying to get myself out of the uncontrollable mess I was living in, trying to hide from the pain and humiliation, trying to find different identity, trying to make myself feel better, I just dug and dug farther and farther into the mess. And that's what happens when we try to handle things ourselves- we can't.

When I finally gave up on my humanness and cried out to God, He answered. He is faithful. If you feel like you can’t do it anymore, or rather when you feel that way, let Him. He simply asks we let Him. Let Him meet you in your mess. Let Him carry you out of your pit. Let Him get you back on your feet. Let Him fight for you and let Him restore you.

"He is jealous for me

Love's like a hurricane, I am a tree

Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy

When all of a sudden

I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory

And I realize just how beautiful You are

And how great Your affections are for me"

How He Loves by David Crowder Band