Why Me?

Like many of you, I have endured a long, hard, dark season of life where the resounding thought running through my mind was simply ‘WHY’. Why me? Why anyone? Why do people have to deal with horrible things? Why do GOOD, CHRISTIAN people go through such dark times of suffering? Why does God allow it? Why, why, why, why. Well, I learned the answer to my why.

I was by all standards a good, Christian girl. I went to church, loved the Lord and pursued a relationship with Him. I stood by the Bible and did my very best to live my life according to it. I was not perfect, I had plenty of struggles, but the heart was there. All spirituality aside, I was by all means a good person. I was a hard, diligent worker, I made great grades, I tried to be kind and outgoing, and I was motivated to succeed- at everything. I had my life planned out to a T. I always said “I’ll take whatever God has for me”, but little did I know, I had no clue what I was really talking about. I had good intentions, but  no genuine knowledge of what exactly that could entail.

My first semester of my freshman year of college, three days after my 19th birthday, I was raped. I was a good, Christian girl, but it didn't matter. It didn’t matter that I was a hard worker and a good student. None of it mattered. But why? Shouldn’t some of my good deeds count for something? Why was I raped? Why did I have to carry around this awful, ugly, heavy burden? Why did I have to go through this, and why does anyone have to go through this? Ultimately, why did God allow it to happen?

A few reasons. First, God doesn’t make bad things happen. He is good and only good comes from Him. Bad things happen because we live in a sin-filled world and people have a free will. Unfortunately, people make very poor decisions with their gift of a free will and these decisions affect everyone around them. They can be very, very harmful. Second, God wants to have more than a superficial relationship with us. He wants to go DEEP and have a REAL, INTIMATE relationship with each of us. In order to have that relationship we have to go through things that completely break us and give us no option but to lean on Him and grow. During my dark days, I was completely isolated. I was betrayed, rejected, and hurt. I flinched away from any outstretched hands in my time of utmost need. I knew I needed relationships, at least one real one, but I couldn’t seem to find trust in anyone. A few people offered me the “I’m here if you need anything!” and though they genuinely meant it, that is not what I needed. I didn’t need or want a helping hand. What I needed no one could provide.

I needed a deep, intimate relationship. Instead of an outstretched hand, I needed someone to crawl down into the trench I was stuck in, lift me up and help carry me out. And once we got out, I needed them to help me crawl, then walk, then run again. I needed someone to carry the weight of what I was carrying because it was crushing me. No human could possibly meet all the needs I had. After 5 long, hard months, I was finally so desperate I gave my whole self to Jesus. Surely enough, He carried me out. He took my burden upon Himself and carried me out.

After several months of agony, one of the key things that helped me finally turn to Him was this reminder: in the midst of my betrayal and rejection, if no one in the world could relate or help me, Jesus could. He understood the ultimate form of betrayal and rejection when He was hung on the cross. THAT finally flipped the switch in my head like “Hey, I really can trust Him because He really, truly, genuinely understands. He’s been through it!” So then I was like “Alright, man. Come and get me. I’m desperate.” and He did. If I would not have been so broken, so hurt, and so isolated, I would not have turned to Jesus and had to depend solely on Him for everything. Because of all that turmoil, Jesus was and is the only reason I am here today.

If I wouldn’t have leaned on Him, I wouldn’t be here and we wouldn’t have the relationship we do. Another reason, I would not be able to relate to a group of individuals who have endured the same horrendous things I have. If I hadn’t gone through what I did, again, I would not be right here right now. I would be carrying on with my mediocre life doing mediocre things and not really changing or helping the world. This is my calling. This is what I want to do and this is what I’m supposed to do, but I could have never done it without going through what I did.